Holy Breast War
by KaleidoSword
Summary: In the battle ground of Cosmo Chaldea Academy, the battle for the Holy Breasts will commence. Specifically Shirou's manly breasts.


**I'm finally getting back to work and this is what I'm doing… Sigh**

 **Don't ask about the status of Scarlet Dragon please. It's a work in progress rn.**

 **Just a reminder that I don't own anything and all rights go to the** **respective** **people.**

 **Anyways here you go.**

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 **[ACTIVATING_FATE]**

 **[PROGRAM_GUARDIAN_HEROIC_SPIRIT_SUMMONING_RUNNING]**

 **[0.00%]**

 **[99.99%]**

 **[ERROR_CODE_1098]**

 **[SETTING_OVERWRITE]**

 **[STAGE_COSMO_CHALDEA_ACADEMY]**

 **[RULER_LIMITED/ZERO_OVER]**

 **[COMMENCING_IRREGULAR_WAR_THE_HOLY_BREAST_WAR]**

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 **Part 1: Rider**

 **It was an odd feeling being summoned by the grail.** Shirou Emiya didn't really know how to describe it in exact words. Light, mystical, perhaps miraculous were words that could loosely define it, but it missed so many other sensations that went entered and left him. There was too much to recall and Shirou was sure that there weren't enough words in the world that would cover it all.

Was this how Saber felt when she was summoned? Was this how Archer felt when he was summoned?

He opened his eyes. The concept of light pollution did not seem to exist here as the sky was full of stars. Right in front of him was an empty courtyard of some sort of school.

It was similar to Homuhara in Fuyuki, but it was more colorful. Shirou was sure that he never saw a school this vibrant before.

"Are you the ruler-class servant?" A girl with pink hair and wearing a white outfit had appeared. From a glance Shirou could tell that she was trouble. Her honey like eyes, her mischievous grin, and bell like voice spoke that she was a seductress to the core. A femme fatale so to speak.

It didn't take long to recognize this girl. She was Queen Medb. The fearless monarch of Connacht as well as the perpetrator behind the Ulster Cycle. It was because of her schemes that led Cu Chulainn to his death.

The image of the blue lancer with the crimson lance flashed back to him. Despite how he acted, that man was plagued with a lot of trouble from women as well wasn't he? He couldn't help feel a pang of sympathy after seeing this girl's history.

"Yes, I am the Ruler. As accordance to the holy grail I'll do my best to uphold the rules of this war."

"Mmmm. So, looks like I was right." She licked her lips. She reminded Shirou of a fierce lioness that had found a helpless gazelle with a broken leg. She approached him slowly and fluttered her eyes. "Hey do you want to do me a favor?"

"What would that be?" He was already suspicious of her manners and thanks to his own magic resistance granted by the ruler class, the effects of alluring nightingale was negated. He didn't sense any malicious intentions coming from her however, and opted to stand in a casual, yet ready position.

"Can I perform some nipple play on you?"

"Huh…?" He trailed off, unsure of what to say in response. The combat ready state of mind of his was disrupted, causing him to break from his stance.

"Gotcha!" She yelled victoriously and a rainbow-colored light shot out from her hand. The ray headed dangerously towards his legs, threatening to incapacitate him if it made contact.

Reacting through muscle memory, Emiya Shirou jumped narrowly avoiding the blast, but landed on his back due to his unstable balance. Within a moment pink ribbons decorated with frilly lace tied his arms and legs together.

"Lucky~" She cheered as she stepped on his chest, pointing a spiral sword towards his throat. "Good thing I asked Paracelsus-senpai to construct these ribbons for me. Looks like they're really good at restricting servants."

"What are your intentions with me?" The ruler-class servant couldn't help but ask. The situation here was already deviating from what he expected from this war and it's been only five minutes. "Do you really think capturing the mediator will grant you the grail?"

"Wouldn't it?" She tilted her head slightly, looking more like clueless owl albeit a rather stunning one. Her expression then morphed into that of a cruel smirk. "My my were you not informed by the grail?"

"What did the grail not tell me?" He furrowed his brows upon hearing this new information. Did something go wrong with his summoning and not all the information was given? To think that he would have the same luck as that red archer from before. He was tempted to laugh at the irony, but refrained from doing so.

"You are the grail." She revealed as she started to bend down, letting her sword disappear in a sparkle of light. With both of her hands she lightly groped his chest. "Specifically, your breasts are the grail."

…

…

…

Wait what?!

"So, you didn't know." She giggled at his stupefied expression. "I wonder if the summoning was gone wrong or perhaps this was the will of the new ritual."

"Isn't this the ritual where seven servants kill each other to materialize the grail?"

"No. This is the ritual where we must retrieve the holy breasts which are yours."

There were a million of questions currently racing through Shirou's mind right now. A third of him wanted to curse whoever thought of this ritual, the second third wanted to shut down at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation, and remaining parts of him wanted to cry at the fact that such a grand ritual was distorted to this extent.

"Don't worry Ruler. You know who I am right? Queen of Connacht, Medb. I'll make this feel real good as I extract the grails from your chest." She lightly brushed her gloved fingers over one of his nipples.

Okay. Enough is enough! This wasn't just about mediating the holy grail war or the fact that his boobs are supposed to be the omnipotent wishing cup. His pride as a man was at stake here!

"By the class of Ruler I use my command seal to order you Rider!"

"My Red Mead!"

"Release my bindings!" He shouted and narrowly avoided a honey colored liquid from entering his mouth. Feeling what smelled like liquor splash on his cheeks, Shirou kicked the girl across the yard and picked up his sword.

She spun with the grace of a figure skater and recovered her footing quickly. It was expected for a servant of any calibur, but Shirou wished that she would've gone down from that blow.

"You missed my noble phantasm." She glared at him as she got up from the small crater that formed when she dug her feet in. "What a pity. Looks like I'll have to bring in the big guns."

At this point Shirou was thinking where he should run off to. There was the disadvantage of having no knowledge of this placed compared her, but at this rate he'll have to fight her which is more trouble than what it was worth. For the love of God he was the mediator!

Fuck it.

"Trace-"

"Sequence Morgan!" High pressurized water infused with mana flew faster than any moden gun. It hit Medb directly and sent her flying through the wall and the next wall and the wall after that. And about four more walls after. Do schools normally have that many walls? Is she even alive still?

"Are you Ruler?" A clear voice pierced through the dust and steam. He recognized that voice for sure. It was definitely her.

A figure emerged.

The same stoic face of the strongest servant. Memories of the pitch-black knight who served the broken girl flashed through his mind. What a familiar to face to see! He started to cry and wanted to hug her tightly, but blanched when he saw her outfit.

It was an outfit that ruined the image of the king of knights he had in his mind.

Really. He actually considered giving her a medal on how serious she seemed despite wearing a mixture of a maid uniform and a swimsuit. Not to mention the cherry on the top was the fact that she was standing on top of a motorcycle, holding a sniper rifle in hand. Put a couple explosions in the background and this scene would look like something that came out of a bad Michael Bay film.

"Seriously, what is going on here?" He slapped his face to see if he was dreaming, unfortunately he wasn't.

"I ask of you again. Are you the ruler class servant?" She pointed her gun at him.

"Yes." Shirou answered back.

"Allow me to tweak your nipples." It was amazing how she said those lines with complete seriousness.

In just three words Shirou decided to summarize his situation.

"What the hell."

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 **Yeah. This is pretty much crack. Also Thanks to The Kingdom of Ruby Luxuria for requesting this for the prize way back. I don't know if you're still here or not, but I finally did it! I hope you like it since the updates will happen once in a while. Hopefully in a month or two.**


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